Reality check: your people pleasing is not so pleasing after all
Several years ago it was my job to coordinate courses. I was good at it. But I was better at it and enjoyed it more when I was handed a piece of the puzzle that I didn’t even know was missing.
In the early days of the job, it was my role to bring together thirty conservation leaders from South America for five days of leadership training (pretty awesome, right?!). I was the logistics gal – I coordinated the details from top to bottom: with the venue, participants, partners, facilitators, food, travel, materials, schedule, content, field trip, payments…… Lots of moving pieces. And I’m good at moving pieces.
But there was something important I did not see. And a brave soul in our group told me what it was.
I was trying so hard for this course to succeed because I genuinely cared about everyone having the best possible experience.
Turns out I was trying a little too hard. I created too much choice. I left the door open for too many possibilities. I remember it specifically with the travel arrangements. I was willing to set anything up for the group. Too much choice created confusion and delayed decision making, which are less than ideal if you’re coordinating 30+ people. I was burning myself out waiting for responses, pushing to coordinate things at the last minute, and generally scrambling around. On top of that, I was pretending like I wasn’t scrambling.
Enter the brave soul, who said to me with great kindness: “Christina – you don’t have to accommodate everyone. It actually makes it more difficult to know what to do.”
I was stunned – all the effort I was putting in to make things easier was actually having the OPPOSITE effect.
It was a wakeup call to what I was missing. Instead of people pleasing, I needed structure and clarity. I also needed trust that people would step up and take care of what they needed for themselves.
In all my future courses, I was thoughtful and careful to create a structure that would support most people in the group well (here are your very good, well planned options) and clarity on how it would go down (you tell me what you choose, by this date). Participants had choice and we all knew our roles. They could figure out how to fit in or make their own plans.
When I stopped people pleasing, I actually turned responsibility over to the group to take care of themselves, within the structure I had created. They were more empowered, I could relax, and we all had clarity on what was happening. I was there to support and I was still flexible, but within the boundaries I had set from the very beginning. I trusted them. They trusted me.
If you find yourself scrambling around trying to please everyone, take a breath. Consider if and how more structure, clarity, and trust can help. You can make this better, and not by continuing to do it all for everyone. Trust me, it’s a big relief for all involved.
If there’s someone in your life that you think needs this message, here’s your chance. Be a brave soul and share it with them. It may be the piece of the puzzle they didn’t even realize was missing.